5 Ways to Show Love to Your Girls

If you've been around here for a while, you know I take self-care very seriously. I truly believe that the way we care for ourselves directly affects everything we do- how we care for others, how we receive others, how we interact, how we love, how we heal, and essentially how we thrive. But one important factor I failed to mention in partaking in self-care actually involves those closest to us-- our girlfriends.

What do your girlfriends have to do with self-care, you ask? Actually, it has so much to do with self-care. For us women, having a tribe of women to celebrate your wins with, cry over losses with, and just share life in general is wealth to our well-being. It is essential. Not only that, it makes perfect sense that once we have taken care of ourselves we pour that love and care into our sister tribe. Am I right? The first step in self-care is always filling yourself with the utmost care and nurturing. The next is to pass that love and care on to others, whether it be your friends, family, and/or your community.

So what have you done for your friends lately? When is the last time you've shown your best girlfriends a little love? If it's been a while for you (and I'm totally not judging you, sis-- it happens to all of us) here are a few ways to get back into the groove of showing your friends a little love.

How to Find Your Tribe

Do you ever find yourself frustrated and confused by all the changes taking place in your life? You could have recently moved in pursuit of a new job/change of scenery, enrolled in school, just had a baby, are recently married, or transitioning from working in Corporate America to full-time entrepreneurship. Any of these lifestyle changes can cause major stress in your life, making you feel overwhelmed and often alienated. Many of those closest to you may raise their eyebrows at your lifestyle changes if they don't understand them or the lifestyle doesn't mirror theirs.

Sometimes in dealing with these lifestyle changes our circle of friends change and rearrange. This can leave us feeling vulnerable and alone. And while many of us retreat to ourselves and just continue on with life, the truth is nobody can make it out here alone. Every woman deserves to have a circle of friends she can depend on for love and support. Not only that, we feel better about ourselves if we are able to be all of those things and more to others. So if you've ever found yourself experiencing these feelings and in search of your own sister tribe, hopefully these tips will help you on your journey.

Five Simple Ways To Start Living Fearlessly

If you are that risk-taking, challenge-accepting, daredevil who boldly embraces change and takes life by the horns, let me be the first to say I applaud you! I tip my hat to you all. However, this post may or may not be for you.

This post, is however, for folks like me. You know, those of us who may be just a little afraid to take that next big step. Those of us who are shaken by the thought of trying something new. Those of us who could be getting a lot further in life if we only had the nerve. Though I'm no cowardly lion, and I'm sure you're not either, it's probably evident that we both could use a push when it comes to living fearlessly. And since my main focus in 2014 is being fearless, I've decided to share with you guys my personal list-- the five ways in which I have began my fearless way of living. These are indeed small, yet very measurable tasks. Though I'm only a few months in, I'm already seeing a change in my way of living. Read on to catch the deets and be sure to share your thoughts in the comments!


1. Say yes. How many times have you prayed feverishly for better opportunities--only to turn them down once they come? I, for one, have been guilty of this on several occasions in the past. I've dismissed ideas of golden opportunities being mine, letting excuses and fear get in my way more times than I'm willing to admit. The fear of not being "prepared" had become my chief excuse. Even when asked out to social events and networking opportunities, I've given reasons such as not having a sitter or not being able to get there. But once those opportunities and invitations began running few and far in between, I wondered why I didn't get them more often. I was practically giving them away! So lately, I've been GOING. And trust me, when you want to get out and go somewhere you will find a way!

2. Go alone. This is a hard one for me. And I can imagine it may be a hard one for others as well. There's just something about braving uncharted territory alone that scares me. There's no familiar faces to share knowing smiles across the room with. There's no one to spark a quick conversation with to break the ice. Or is there?

After going to a few events solo, I can't believe I didn't start sooner! I was able to network with new people and it was much easier doing so alone. Always depending on someone to be my "wing man" can make me a bit too comfortable-- too comfortable to start conversations with others, too comfortable to speak out in the crowd during ice-breakers, and too comfortable to fully engage in the company of others around me. I will admit, it's still a task to get out there and go to events by myself. But it's a rewarding experience each time I do so, because I'm able to prove to myself that it can be done! It really helps to diminish the fear of being alone as well as the fear of the "unknown."

3. Meet new people  (or interact with the people we know in different ways). Now for me, this is one of the harder tasks. While I believe myself to be a rather friendly person, I find it hard to approach people I don't know. So I started by reaching out to people that I come in contact with on an everyday basis. I would compliment another woman attending the same event I was. I would ask other parents about possible extra-curricular activities I could sign my children up for. And since I'm a "new" parent in my children's school system, asking questions about the school, the area, and ways to get involved have really helped spark conversations among new people. I can even see a couple of new friendships forming between myself and other moms. And remember, even if you are a bit too shy to spark up a conversation with someone you don't know, a smile can go a long way. Simply smiling at a seemingly friendly person in the workplace, in class, or other place I frequented has been the start of many of my relationships to this day!

4. Do new things (or do everyday things differently). Now for the easy part--this may be the easiest task on the entire list. For this particular task, I sat down at my desk and created a neat little list. Well, what was supposed to be a little list, but became a lengthy master-list. I wrote down new restaurants I would like to dine at. Then I wrote down my favorite restaurants, along with items I had not tried on their menus. I wrote down places in my neighborhood I have yet to visit. I also wrote down three trades I want to master (which are also on my 30 by 30 list), and I added to that list three passions I have that I would love to perfect.  And just before I got carried away with creating this list (as I am a chronic list-maker), I gave myself a timeline to accomplish these things by. And ladies and gents, these are simple things that require little effort. They are large in the greater realm of things to me, because it shows me that I am capable of living outside of this proverbial box I keep cornering myself into.

5. Go new places (or see familiar places with fresh eyes). I will admit to you guys now that I've used the excuse of not having the resources, the funds, and/or the connections to travel too many times in the past. Little did I know that MY affirmation with MY words that I was unable to travel put a message out into the world. Therefore, I made myself unable to go out and see new things because I professed it. So one day, I decided to stop using my words to limit myself. Back when I first started making vision boards and planning vacations (whether I knew I could actually take them or not) I felt the power to believe. I began to envision myself visiting new places that I read about in books or magazines. And before long, I was taking flights and packing bathing suits! Though fear of the unknown threatened to "shut the party down" on more than a few occasions, I said my prayers, repeated 2 Timothy 1:7, and trusted that the Lord would take care of me wherever I ventured to. And he did!

Nowadays, however,  I don't get to travel too often---especially with the new baby. But I dare not speak that I CAN'T travel. I simply refer to that list I spoke of in #4 and find a new place to check out in my town or the next town over. Once I stepped out of the box and created new experiences for myself, I realized how confining it was to limit myself all this time!

In what ways do you practice living fearlessly? 

I would love to hear about them in the comments. 

Ideas, experiences, and words of encouragement 

are welcomed and greatly appreciated!

Reflections: 2012 in Review

Alas, ladies and gentlemen. 2013 is only a few nights away and at this moment I am reflecting on how much I have learned and grown this year.  I've had some hits, some misses, and made some moves in which I still await a verdict.  All in all, I can say that 2012 has been very good to me.  As a way of charting my progress and preparing myself for the upcoming year, I decided to do Rosetta Thurman's Annual Review (courtesy of Happy Black Woman).  It has been very helpful to me, so I would like to share my review with you guys in hopes that you will do this review for yourselves also.  I will warn you in advance-- it's a lengthy read so bear with me!

What I Want to Remember About 2012

What was the most valuable lesson you learned this year?  Spread love as much as you can and as often as you can.  I don't always have the means to give as much as I would like to financially, but as long as I'm breathing, I always have the ability to love. Being able to show love to another is such an underrated experience.  In turn, I don't know what I would do without the love I've received from my closest friends, family, and even complete strangers.  Love is what really keeps us alive.

What professional accomplishments (at work or in your business) were you most proud of this year? I am most proud that I now have a sponsor here! Stay tuned as I will share more about this next month.

What was your favorite family/friends moment from 2012?  My favorite family/friends moment from 2012 was definitely my grandfather's birthday party.  My grandfather is a warm, loving, wise, and highly respected man in the community and it warmed my heart to see so many people come out to celebrate his life.  The conversations, hugs, and pleasantries shared among family and friends combined with good eating and music made for an awesome day.  My grandma even smiled long enough to take pictures :)  It was a beautiful thing to know our family was able to come together and share love for my grandfather in a big way, as he is getting up in age.  And he was overwhelmed with joy!

What was the best book/blog/song/movie/restaurant/city/country/etc. you discovered this year?

Book:  the first that comes to mind is Farther Than I Meant To Go, Longer Than I Meant To Stay by Tiffany Warren. It's a book I read via the FWB Book Club.  I learned so much about being patient, waiting on the Lord, and consulting Him in all areas of my life from this read. 

Blog: I have fallen in love with Christa all because of her blog, Inspired by Beatrice Clay.  When I joined Bloggers Like Me, her blog is one of the first I came across.  Her words were so inspiring, her thoughts were so insightful, and her challenges always motivated me to do better. Please be sure to check out the blog and tell her I sent ya over there! 

Song: To ask me to choose one song for the year is like offering me one chip from an entire can of Sour Cream and Onion Pringles. This is a difficult task!  The ratchet side of me wants to say Cashin' Out by Cash Out because it has played a million times in my car this year lol.  And the romantic side of me wants to say Adorn by  Miguel for the same reason. But if I had to choose a theme song for the year I would have to say Stand Up by Jessie J.

Movie:  The Perks of Being a Wallflower was one of my favorite movies of the year. Note I did not say Avengers (mainly because I've raved about it so much this year already!). Please check it out if you haven't already. 

What I Want to Leave Behind As I Enter 2013

Which personal development area(s) did you make the LEAST progress on this year: health, finances, education, relationships, family, work and/or lifestyle?  I have made the least progress in my health goals this year.  I need to start going to the doctor more often.  The belief that I can concoct something at home that can make me feel brand new is not as true as I once thought.  I've never had high blood pressure before this year, so that is the first indicator that I need to take better care of my health.  I also need to take my physical fitness goals more seriously.  (Anyone in the area in need of a workout partner?  I am so serious!)

What promises (to yourself or others) did you break in 2012? In 2012, I vowed to spend more time with my friends and put more effort into making more connections. Needless to say, I didn't do as much of either as I would have liked.  I have a tendency to retreat to my own personal space when I'm going through things.  Instead of seeking comfort and solace from friends, I tend to push them away and keep to myself.  From now on (starting tonight and not waiting until 2013) I will make more of an effort to nurture my friendships, reach out to my friends, and be there for them when they need me.  I'm for real this time.  I will also step out of my comfort zone and try my hardest to meet new people in my area by attending more events and accepting more invitations.  

What arguments/gossip/hurtful comments, if any, did you participate in or make this year that you wish you could take back and/or apologize for? I haven't had any heated arguments with anyone that I can recall (as I tend to avoid conflict as much as possible), but I have had issues with individuals that took place back in 2011 that as of tonight have still been unresolved.  Sometimes, I wish the whole ordeal would have never taken place, but when I look back at everything I realize it was inevitable.  The only thing that bothers me about the situation is it has affected relationships with my family and it has affected by ability to trust others.  I wish I knew how to resolve it, but for now I don't.  

What opportunities, if any, did you miss out on in 2012 because of fear or procrastination? Fear has placed so many roadblocks in my life. So much so, that I may have to address that at another time in another way. This year it has prevented me from sharing my true feelings with others, taking chances, and making changes I know are necessary for my growth.  With God's help, I know I can move past the fear though. Keep me in your prayers, guys.

What I Want to Bring Into My Life in 2013

What do you deserve more of next year? What do you deserve less of next year? In 2013, I believe I deserve more love.  I will allow more love and happiness to pour into my life. I deserve less disappointment, dishonesty, and negativity.

What personal milestone(s) do you most want to reach this year in your relationships, health, family, finances, education and/or lifestyle?  This upcoming year, I wish to spend more quality time with my husband and children, visit the doctor and exercise more often, make better financial choices that will better benefit my children, add another skill set/diploma/certificate and degree to my resume', and spend more time connecting with others.

What professional accomplishments (at work or in your business) do you want to see for yourself this year? I would love to have a functioning work from home business, get started with my freelance MUA efforts, and to assist my daughter with her ambitions of starting a jewelry line.

What do you want to learn in 2013? I want to learn to sew!

What do you want to cross off of your bucket list in 2013? I want to cross visiting Las Vegas and meeting three of my blogger besties in my head off my bucket list in 2013.

What I Want My Life to Look Like in 2013

What part of your life do you want to pay more attention to in 2013?   I want to pay more attention to my family life in 2013.  Of course, I have professional and personal goals for myself, but I want to put more effort into building and strengthening my family. 

Who do you want to spend more time with in 2013? I want to spend more time with my friends in 2013.  I hate that my closest friends live so far away, as our time spent together is quite limited.  But I have no problem hopping on a plane so I can look in their faces more often this year!  I also have special people in my life that live less than an hour's drive from me that I hope to make more great memories with next year as well. 

Which activities, habits or behaviors, if any, do you want to stop doing in 2013 because they are no longer in alignment with your values?   As I mentioned before, I have a habit of retreating to self.  I spend more time alone than I probably should.  And this is something that has only started happening within the last two years.  I would love to be more social and less introverted, so I have to stop this behavior.

Which activities do you want to start and/or continue doing in 2013?  I want to spend more time enjoying my city this year.  I've been living here for a few years now, and have only recently started enjoying all that the city has to offer.  I also would like to visit other landmarks besides the beach.  Perhaps I could plan another trip to the mountains soon!  All in all, I want to see some new stuff!

Have you taken the time to reflect on all that has taken place, all you have accomplished, and things that didn't go as you liked in 2012?  

Just Add Water: Technology and Instant Gratification

We all live in a microwave.  Everything nowadays just seems so instant.  If you're wondering when Jill Scott is coming near your town on tour, just search it on your phone.  In an instant, you know she'll be there in 3 weeks. No tickets? That's cool.  You can look those up in 5 seconds flat on your phone too.  Do you remember the name of that really cute guy you just met at the club? Look him up on Facebook.  Follow him on Twitter.  In about 10 minutes and 15 tweets later, you know his birthday, favorite color, each of his siblings' names, and the strange fact that his dog is named after his ex-girlfriend Misty.  I may be going off on a tangent, but you get the idea, right?  There's no wonder why we thirst for so much instant gratification.  Technology has enabled us to live this way. We talk on the phone while our favorite show is recording on the DVR (so we won't miss anything) all while baking dinner, texting our bestie, ironing our children's school clothes, and perusing the latest status updates on Facebook.  If we're lucky, we may even get that report typed up before work in the A.M.

Why am I going off on this tirade?  Maybe because I feel like everything is moving too fast for me.  I don't know about you guys, but I miss the good old days.  You know, when we actually made the effort to "make" friends with others instead of just looking on profiles and making decisions with the click of a button.  I miss the times when individuals actually hung out together publicly (or privately) and really got to know each other.  We used to take the time to enjoy walking along the riverfront together or have a great lunch date without clutching our phones and announcing on every social network that we were doing such.  Can't we just take our time and chill?  Or are we all too busy for that?

A while back, I was reading a great post by fellow blogger Nicole Alicia, in which she discussed Friendships After College Years.  It wasn't until after I read the post and pondered over it for a few days that I realized why so many of us have trouble maintaining friendships.  I truly believe technology tends to get in the way.  So many of us rely on social networks as a way to keep up with our close friends and family.  Now if we don't take the time to physically nurture our friendships, how will we sustain them?  Some of us even find closure in relationships by officially "breaking up" with people via Facebook.  When I found myself erasing people from my life by deleting them on Facebook or unfollowing them on Twitter, I knew I was doing the most.  Like really, does that suppose to suffice?  What happened to discussing whatever personal issues we were having and being adults about the situation?  I wish I had an answer.

Do any of you guys have any answers or suggestions on ways we can all do better?  If so, feel free to share in the comments!

Repost from Archives: November 2011
Photo courtesy of banlovestam via Tumblr

What I'm Declaring Independence From

On this Independence Day, I am inspired as I read the Declaration of Independence I shared here on the blog exactly two years ago.  Two summers ago, I experienced a few losses and with them came many overwhelming emotions.  So in an attempt to regain mental clarity, I wrote a blog post to "declare independence" so to speak, from several things that were plaguing my well-being, such as anxiety, worry, stress, unhealthy relationships, and an unhealthy lifestyle. Looking back on that post made me smile, because I have made great progress over the last two years.  Rereading the document also made me realize that I still have a long way to go in other areas of my life. Here's what I'm declaring independence from now.

I DECLARE INDEPENDENCE FROM

Thoughts of inferiority...  There are times that I do believe that I'm just not good enough.  I'm not good enough to be considered for this, or I'm not pretty enough to be considered for that. I'm not smart enough to do this and I'm not brave enough to follow through with that.  I believe that this happens with all of us every now and again.  And almost always, this limiting belief stems from past experiences.  We may have received disapproval from someone we loved or admired.  Or perhaps, like in my case, we have disappointed people who thought so highly of us.  Knowing I've disappointed those I love and admire has a stronger impact on my life than I've cared to admit.  I've refrained from taking risks in my life because the suffocating fear of failing and further disappointing others was unbearable.  And I've never shared this with anyone, until today as I type.

So I now realize that I must create new messages to replace those old tapes I have playing in my mind.  One self-love exercise that has been helping me was a suggestion from fellow blogger Daja of No Boiz Allowed.  She prompted that followers of her fan page list 50 things they loved about themselves.    So in listing 50 things I love about myself, along with reading and reciting positive affirmations daily, I am wiping that inferiority complex away from my life!

I DECLARE INDEPENDENCE FROM

Unhealthy sacrifice...  Oftentimes, because of my "inferior" frame of thinking, I believe that I must always  go that extra mile for others.  It is as if I must do something "extra" because I don't deserve a particular treatment (like love, affection, or acceptance).  In turn, I tend to stretch myself beyond reasonable means for others simply so they know that I love and care for them.  Even if it's out of my realm of possibility.  I think this is why I have a big problem telling folks "no" as well.

It wasn't until I recently read an article on Oprah's website, that I realized I was making unhealthy sacrifices.  I also realized that not having my "sacrifices" reciprocated by loved ones was causing me to become bitter and cold towards them.  I love bringing happiness into the lives of those I love, but I burst at the seams whenever these same people are not able to show concern whenever I am not in a happy space.  And as I continued to read this article I found that I do not have to be the caregiver in all of my relationships.  I don't have to say yes when I really mean no.  I will find balance in my relationships with others and always make sure to take care of myself first!

I DECLARE INDEPENDENCE FROM

Dream Killers...  More than anything, I appreciate a friend that keeps me level-headed.  You know, the ones who will be honest with you and tell you that your "fly-by-night" get-rich-quick scheme just isn't gonna work the way you imagine it.  Or even ones that will tell you that your "game plan" needs a little work.  But what I don't need nor appreciate is a dream killer.

During times that you are reaching for success and attaining your goals, you may find that others are threatened.  And sometimes, these "others" can be your close friends or family members.  They will say things to sabotage your dreams because they don't want your success to surpass theirs.  So in order to keep my momentum going with the chasing of my dream, I am making the decision to surround myself with positive individuals who can inspire me, nurture my dreams, and don't mind sharing their creative thoughts and experiences with me.  And I am saying goodbye to those naysayers.

I DECLARE INDEPENDENCE FROM

Mistakes made in the past...  I have done a good job with forgiving others and letting go of things folks have done to me in the past.  I share a bit about that in my past post about forgiving others.  Yet still, I have the most trouble forgiving myself.  Isn't that ironic?  Why is it that we can more easily forgive someone else than we can forgive ourselves?

I will begin practicing forgiveness by visiting those mistakes I've made in my past and forgiving myself for making them.  I must realize that no one is perfect, so in living life we all go through learning processes in which mistakes will be made.  I must also take the time to let the wounds left from my mistakes heal, rather than deny that these wounds are disrupting my daily thoughts and actions.

and lastly, I AM STILL DECLARING INDEPENDENCE FROM

Anxiety...  I will remember and recite 2 Timothy 1:7 (one of my favorite Bible verses) until fear no longer numbs me.  "For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  I have often allowed fear to block many blessings and opportunities in my life and I am tired of allowing it.  It is a trick of the devil and I will no longer allow it to paralyze me.  I have too much work to do here!  And I can't let something like fear stop me!

I plan to replace each of these strongholds with love, prayer, and faith.  I believe in myself and know that I am responsible for creating and maintaining my own joy and mental clarity. I wish you all a blessed Independence Day and I hope that you all obtain freedom from any bondage that is affecting your lives.

WHAT WILL YOU BE DECLARING INDEPENDENCE FROM?

For a real treat, check out the amazing Tiphani Montgomery's Fourth of July Manifesto by clicking the link.  She is truly an inspiration to me and her post (which was actually written on today, her birthday) could not have come at a better time.  If you check it out, feel free to tell me what you think of it in the comments =)

Photo by LexScope on Unsplash

Life According to Pink

*3 Life Lessons I've learned in song, of course by the beloved P!nk*

1. All friendships and relationships are not meant to last forever.  There was once upon a time when I believed  that calling someone your best friend meant that person would always be a part of your life.  During that time I also believed that when someone said they loved you, it also meant they would continue to love you through all the changes you both would experience through life.  Fortunately for me, I woke up one day from that foggy slumber and realized that most friendships are seasonal.  Including some that I have offered myself.  This awakening also showed me that many relationships are merely a series of interactions in which we learn things about others at the expense of being forced to learn more about ourselves.  Many that I've dated taught me how to love myself, how not to allow others to treat me, and how to treat others.  Listening to "Who Knew" reminds me of the tragic ending of a friendship and tragic ending of a relationship that happened around the same time in my life.  If someone would have told me then that my relationships with those two people would end, I would have never believed it.  Simply because they said forever, and I believed it.

2. Know who you are and lean not on someone else's understanding of you.  For if they leave, who will define you?  When I became a new mother, I feel like every other title I had was lifted from me.  I had totally forgotten who I was as a person.  All I could focus on in life were the things I had failed to do (at the time I was a fresh college dropout) and the things I was afraid I would fail at (which was being a great young mom).  Being that I was so "in-the-dumps" about myself and who I was as an individual, I allowed my relationship at that time to define me.  I was a stay-at-home-mom and housewife (mind you, without the title) who, after listening to the opinions of others, believed all I was capable of doing was cleaning laundry, cooking dinner, and preparing Enfamil formula. And because my relationship with my boyfriend was still fresh, he did not know exactly how to give me the acceptance and validation I needed as a new mom.  I stayed at home, I kept away from old friends, I avoided family, and I gave up.  People said negative things about me and I believed them.  Until one day, as Iyanla Vanzant says, my soul just opened up.  I went back to school, I found a new job, made new friends, and even gained a new outlook on life.  But to most I was still so-and-so's girlfriend.  And that title consumed my entire being.  So much so, that when I and so-and-so broke up, I did not know who I was.  That was a turning point in my life.  I had to start from the bottom up, getting to know myself, learning what I liked (and not things I just accepted because my man liked them), and what made me unique.  So what I was no longer so-and-so's girlfriend? I would learn how to fall in love with myself and decided I would define myself!  And most importantly I learned I did not need a man to do that!

Notice how Pink was talking about her husband at the time, yet they worked it out and are still together?  

Well let's just say I know all about that!

3.  You get what you're given, it's all how you use it ~Pink.  Each of us is uniquely made for our own individual purpose.  That is why it is so important to learn lesson #2 and know who you are as a person.  For if you don't know who you are, you will continue to compare yourself to others you admire and become less and less satisfied with yourself.  You will begin measuring yourself by your standards of them and will get disappointed every time.  Though we as women don't discuss comparing ourselves to other women, we do it often.  And I am guilty of it as well.  There was one point in my life in which I really admired one of my friends.  I liked the way she dressed, the way she wore her hair, and the way she carried herself.  I admired her so much that I began to wonder why people weren't as drawn to me as they were to her. I began doubting myself and feeling inferior around her.  And though it took me a while to figure it out, I realized because I had grown to feel inferior to her, I had began to "dim" my light around her.  My once bubbly personality was diminishing before the very eyes of my peers all because of a thought I allowed to take root. After reading a self-help book (I really wish I could remember which it was),  I started taking notes about things I was good at and accomplishments I had achieved.  In essence, I started to realize I had gifts just like she had gifts.  I just wasn't giving mine a chance to blossom because I was too busy coveting hers.  And in my time doing this, I was in a way denying my own.  From that day on I made it a point to focus on my own purpose in life and to stop running from myself.  

Word to the Wise: Pack Light! (Repost)

Today as I listen to Miss Erykah Badu's "Bag Lady" I am reminded yet again that I must let some things go. Every time I think I have my life in order and that I'm traveling through the universe at a pleasurable pace, my "backpack" starts to get a little heavier.  I don't know if I'm picking up things I don't need in my journey without taking time to discard undesirables or if I'm beginning to make a habit of collecting stray items.  Relationships that just aren't working, books I no longer care to read, situations I should have left well enough alone, and negative stress from home/school/family/friends seem to wind up in my backpack over and over.

One habit I must learn to break is putting this mess in my bag to begin with.  Immediately (at least by now) I should be able to tell if something will benefit me, will hinder me from attaining my goal, or has no bearing on my life.  Things that don't concern me should not be stressing me to no end.  I cannot save the world.   It will burn me out if I keep trying.  Things that are stunting my growth and progression should be avoided as well.  Only the things that make me happy are going in my bag from now on.  And if ever I should need a reminder, I will remember Miss Erykah's famous words: PACK LIGHT!




Do any of you ever feel this way?  What do you do to keep your "load" light?

**photo courtesy of Shay Mitchell**

What I Learned from Lynn Searcy

photo source

Enter Lynn: Lynn Searcy is the free-spirited, uninhibited Girlfriend of the group.  She was a long time friend of Joan and Toni's, as the three of them were roommates in college.  Since then, she lived with Joan for eight years, figuring out her place in life by immersing herself in the arts and avoiding the everyday hassles of the real world.  She's artistic, very spiritual, and drawn to other spiritual beings who have a passion for music and the arts.  Though Lynn may appeared to be the most liberated of the group, she often felt lost and in search of who she was as an individual.  She eventually credited this to being adopted and not knowing who her biological parents were.  As seasons progressed, Lynn met her biological mother, and began to figure out who she was and what she wanted in life.  This led to her finding her own place, following her own destiny, and finally getting signed to a record label as a musician.

How I identify with Lynn:  Like Lynn, I consider myself to be multi-faceted. This is a quality that society usually sees as being scatter-brained.  If the funds permitted, I would probably be a student forever and obtain five degrees just like Lynn! Maybe....  Like Lynn, I am drawn to other artistic individuals, namely those who love music and literature as much as I do.  I can draw for hours from others who bask in culture.  While Lynn may have been more free with her sexuality than I, I can definitely appreciate how in touch she was with it.  She never let society's ideals and constraints mar her need to have as many partners as she so desired.  Lynn was comfortable with who she was, never tried to be anyone but Lynn, and never judged others who were not living as she was.  I admired that most about her.

Below are five things I learned from Lynn Ann Searcy throughout the show's tenure:

1. You can't keep running forever:  Sometimes, especially in earlier seasons, it appeared as though Lynn was running.  She was running from responsibility.  Sure she had plenty of education, but she had no clear goals about her future.  So while all of her other girlfriends lived in the real world, clocking hours and paying bills, Lynn became a resident of Joan's (and later William's and Maya's) couch.  After much tough love from her friends and an epiphany about her future, Lynn soon got tired of running and ventured out into the unknown.

2. Less worry = less stress.  One thing I could admire about Lynn's character was her carefree attitude.  There was rarely a time when Lynn let anything bother her to the point of worry and frustration.  On the surface it may look like Lynn simply avoided conflict and responsibility, but many could learn a lesson from this behavior.  Never sweat the small stuff!  But by all means, don't be like Lynn and create a conspiracy theory to  excuse yourself from handling personal responsibilities.

3. Women are free to embrace their sexuality however they see fit.  As I mentioned before, Lynn was seen as being the promiscuous one of the group.  While Joan was busy implementing a three-month rule (which meant no sex for the first three months of a relationship) and Maya was often criticizing Lynn for embracing casual sex, Lynn viewed sex as another form of liberation.  She often shared her many trysts lightheartedly with her other girlfriends, as they gasped, shocked and appalled.  Though I agreed that Lynn was a bit wild for my taste, I thought highly of her for owning her sexuality.  Lynn embraced her sexuality as she saw fit, rather than using it as bait for another, or a way to control another, as many women have done over time.  I was even more impressed when she researched sexuality in society and thus completed a project involving AIDS in the African American female population.

4. Sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  But they are not one in the same.  In a quest to find inspiration while completing a documentary (in which Lynn believes to be her life's work), Lynn makes plans to visit her estranged biological mother.  In visiting Sandy, Lynn learns that her biological mother is much like she is-- overly sexual, flighty, and great at avoiding conflict (or people, for that matter).  As Lynn observes all of her mother's unfinished projects and abandoned bright ideas, she begins to think that she will never see her passions through either.  But after some soul-searching and encouraging words from dear Toni, Lynn finishes her documentary and it makes a huge impact on the community.  Way to go, Lynn!

5. There's much more to intimacy than sex.  In one episode of Girlfriends, I was surprised to see a very intimate side of Lynn. In this particular episode, Lynn falls for a poet who is celibate.  While I believed that  Lynn would not be able to forge a relationship with someone without sex due to her past of sex without relationships, she fell for this man hard.  And instead of a sexual exchange, the two became spiritually connected by their love of art and poetic expression.  It was such a beautiful thing!

How did you feel about Lynn's character? 

Could you relate to her? 

Could you see yourself being friends with her?  Why or why not?

Thank you so much for all of your feedback on my posts about Joan, Maya, and Toni.  I see that many of you had very strong opinions about Toni in particular!  If you haven't gotten a chance to check out the other posts and their accompanying episodes, please click the links within the names and check them out.

In all, who is your favorite Girlfriend from the hit TV sitcom?  

What I Learned from Toni Childs

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Enter Toni: Toni Childs specializes in results (or at least that's what her slogan as a real estate agent suggests).  She is the best friend of Joan Clayton and self-proclaimed most fabulous girlfriend of them all.  She's vain, she's rude, and often a bit arrogant, but she does have a good heart.  Toni Child's lavish lifestyle may have transformed a lot from that of the girl she was growing up on the farm in Fresno, California, but she embraces her country roots.  It makes her day when her mom visits, cooking up pies and greens and her love for fried catfish was something serious!  No matter what wealthy man Toni was seeing or which sale she was hurrying to get to at Neiman Marcus, she was always, unapologetically, Toni Childs at the end of the day.

How I identify with Toni:  Like Toni, I appreciate the finer things in life. Toni feeds the "Champagne-Dreamer" in me.  Toni prides herself on living a life of fabulousness and lavishness at all costs.  Plus, she is such a diva! While I will NEVER go over my budget for fashion, I do enjoy indulging in a fab purchase every now and again.  I also share Toni's love of good down-home cooking, though I constantly complain about what it does to my figure.  We can't have it both ways, Toni (with the budget and the figure, that is)!

Below are five things I learned from Antoinette Marie Childs (Garrett) throughout the show's tenure:


1. Every now and again we must indulge in self: Toni Childs (Garrett) always took the time to indulge in self.  In fact, she was the only person she is ever seen truly indulging in!  While many may find that Toni was a bit too self-indulgent, I find that being your own cheerleader does has its benefits.  Though Toni may have appeared to be very confident and beyond narcissistic, her behavior seemed more like a defense mechanism to me.  She needed her fashions to feel authentic. She needed expensive hairstyles to feel beautiful. Anyone paying close enough attention could see these behaviors as masked insecurity. Perhaps this was Toni's way of compensating for her humble beginnings.  Either way, I say take it from Toni and be your own star player.  And if you don't feel like a star player, fake it until you make it! LOVE YOURSELF!

2. It will rain.  Marriages do not always make it to the happily ever after and children don't make spouses stick around:  During the latter seasons of Girlfriends, Toni began having problems with her then-husband Dr. Garrett.  They eventually divorced and went through a nasty custody battle.  Though I hated that the two divorced, I knew their relationship was doomed from the start.  During a break-up was when Toni found out she was pregnant in the first place, and she used this pregnancy to forge her way back into Dr. Garrett's life.  While they married soon after, they struggled through financial problems.  Toni longed for a knight-in-shining armor to give her a fairy-tale life and once Dr. Garrett's financial situation changed, so did Toni.  The moral of the story is: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HAPPILY EVER AFTER unless you work diligently through the storms to make your fairy tale happen for you and your spouse.

3. We can't choose our family, but we can definitely choose our friends:  On many episodes, we heard Toni complain about her mother's alcoholism and how it deeply affected her childhood.  Though she complained about her mother and her sister she couldn't get along with, we could tell she loved them dearly.  And though she often thought of her group of girlfriends as family, they simply were not.  She depended on Joan more than she did her family when it came to her wedding and her custody battle. And both times Joan let her down.  The custody battle became the final straw in Toni and Joan's failing friendship and surprisingly Toni was the one that severed those ties.  It always seems way easier to forgive family than friends, doesn't it?

4. Money can't buy happiness:  Toni looked for happiness in each fashion she purchased and each high-end boutique she frequented.  But at the end of the day, no matter how much money she spent, she had problems with her man, her family, and her career just the same as the other women.

5. Everything that glitters ain't gold:  To further elaborate on #4, Toni seemed to do a good job of decorating a pretty package.  She always looked fabulous.  She always indulged in the finer things.  But she was often troubled within.  And even when she did not have the means to splurge, she continued to buy extravagant gifts for her friends just so they wouldn't think she was "broke".  Sooner or later they found out she was in financial trouble anyways when they ended up paying for her lunches when they went out.  Isn't that ironic?

How did you feel about Toni's character?

Could you relate to her?

Could you see yourself being friends with someone like her?  Why or why not?

Be sure to check the past posts about her fellow girlfriends Joan here and Maya here.

What I Learned From Maya Wilkes

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Enter Maya: Maya Wilkes is the quintessential girlfriend who keeps it "real."  You know, the girlfriend who will tell you that outfit isn't working for you, that shade of lipstick is all wrong, and that jerk you're dating is no good for you.  She was the one to tell you like it is, whether you liked it or not.  Maya started off as Joan's assistant, then William's assistant, and eventually pursued a career as an author.  She was all about handling her business, taking care of home, and doing what she had to do to make it.

How I identify with Maya:  Like Maya, I am also seen as the married mother (before Toni) among my friends.  Sometimes this has its advantages, other times it does not.  This means that while many of them were continuing their educations, I was building my family and tackling "the real world."  Once everyone has degrees and are ready to find Mr. Right, I am just finishing my education and entering into my career.  I also feel that I am quite sassy like Maya's character.  If I'm comfortable with you, I tend to speak my mind in a very colorful way!

Below are five things I learned from Maya Denise Wilkes throughout the show's tenure:

1.  We can rise above the labels society places on us.  We are more than statistics and stereotypes.  For much of the show's airing, we see Maya as the girlfriend of a lower tax-bracket.  She becomes a teen mom and marries her high-school sweetheart, two real-life situations that can cause one to be at a financial disadvantage.  Though she appears to be struggling her way through life in the beginning, we find Maya doing quite well by the show's closing.  She is a thriving author, her husband has his own business, and they own a lavish home in a beautiful upscale neighborhood.  

2.  Being a full-time worker, student, and parent is possible.  Though Maya was a devoted mother and wife, she was also a full-time student and legal assistant.  Though she appeared to often be stressed and overwhelmed, she held it together most of the time.  She was an active mother, and worked hard to pay her tuition (even when faced with having to repeat classes).  Maya was ambitious and determined to make a better life for herself and her son, Jabari.

3. SOMETIMES we can find love in our rearview and mend broken ties.  In the early seasons of Girlfriends, we find that high-school sweethearts Maya and Darnell begin to experience problems and separate.  During their time of separation, Maya spent time figuring out who she was as a person and what she wanted out of life.  While she dated others, Darnell became involved with another and became engaged.  In spite of their being apart and Darnell's new relationship, the two were able to salvage their own relationship and get back together!  I suppose true love does wait and gives second chances!

4. There's nothing wrong with "keepin' it real."  Never forget where you come from.  Though Maya's attitude may have been a little sassy and off-center for some, I loved it.  I admired the "homegirl" vibe she was giving. She wasn't ashamed of where she had come from or the mistakes she made in the past.  Instead, she used these things as her motivation.
5.  Sometimes you have to "hustle" your way to your dreams.  When Maya first penned her book Oh Hell Yes, she did not have a literary agent or publicist.  That did not stop her from selling her dream!  Maya even sold books from the trunk of her car, seen in an episode where she and her son Jabari hustled books on the street.  She also peddled books in her cousin Ronnie's hair salon.  This wise move gave Maya the popularity she needed to warrant her first big break.  How many of us are ambitious enough to do that?

How did you feel about Maya's character? Could you relate to her?  Could you see yourself being friends with someone like her?  Why or why not? Be sure to check the past post about her fellow girlfriend Joan here.

What I Learned from Joan Clayton

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Enter Joan: Joan Clayton was, in a sense, the leader in her group of girlfriends.  She was the glue that held each of these girls together.  She was also the bona-fide giver of the group. I remember her to be the one who gave her all to plan and execute memorable social gatherings for her friends, always having a corny game to break the ice during any event.  Though it seems she planned the best events and was a very successful attorney at the law firm, her love life was always in shambles. At least that's the one thing all of Joan's issues were perceived to stem from.  Joan's character made me wonder if a woman could be very successful at love and her career simultaneously.

How I identify with Joan:  Like Joan, I felt like I was the glue that held me and my group of friends together.  I loved throwing together a social gathering and I'm known to want to play a silly game others grow annoyed with.  I also believe I am practical like Joan.  I have a tendency to give the best advice when it comes to my friend's problems, but cannot seem to transfer that practical thinking into my own life.

Below are five things I learned from Joan Carol Clayton throughout the show's tenure:

1.  How to make (and break) a three-month rule:  In dating, Joan made a personal vow to abstain from sex for the first three months of a relationship.  There were times that Joan stuck to this rule and times she did not.  Either way, it was still an interesting concept.

2. Women can be very successful in a male-dominated career field:  Though women were a minority at the law firm where Joan worked (other than the assistants), Joan made her presence known.  Not only did she stand up for herself during tense situations, she also made partner early in her career.

3. It's okay to be the giver.  It's cool to be one who throws the parties, pays for dinners, and takes friends in.  But know when to draw the line:  Joan spent a lot of time catering to her friends.  She was a good person.  She took in Lynn, allowing her to live with her rent-free for a long time.  But sooner or later, Joan had to draw the line and ask Lynn to leave.  It's one thing to help a friend, and it's another to allow a friend to use you abuse your kindness.

4. It's never too late to start following your dreams, even if everyone thinks you're nuts for doing so:  Though Joan was a successful attorney, she was passionate about branching out to start her own business.  When she shared her dream of opening a Tapas bar, her friends thought she was delusional.  Her mother disagreed with her plans.  William, her co-worker and friend, supported her but doubted her ambitions.  This did not stop Joan from pursuing her passion.

5. It doesn't take long for today's "It Girl" to become yesterday's news:  In the later seasons of Girlfriends some roles were reversed.  Joan went from having trouble keeping a man to juggling two men at once.  Yes, she was feeling herself too much at this point!  So much so, that she neglected her best friend Toni when she needed her most.  Joan took her hand at being the fly by night, selfish, and self-absorbed one for a change and it blew up in her face.  At season's end, she lost not one but two men in the process. Her magazine cover feature was soon forgotten and her new found fame became nonexistent.

Were you a fan of Girlfriends?  If so, what did you learn from Joan's character?

An Ode to Girlfriends

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As many of who have been following me for a while may already know, I love Girlfriends.  Girlfriends may in fact be my most favorite show of all time.  In my years of tuning in to each and every episode at least three times during its run, I would like to say I'm a huge fan.

For starters, a show set in the new millennium that focused on the lives of women and their interactions with each other drew me in immediately.  For me, this was the best thing since Living Single! These four very different women, all from four different walks of life, shared such strong bonds. And even though Toni and Maya were my two favorites, I feel that I could relate to each one of them in a unique way. Joan was the nucleus of the group, holding everyone together. She was a perfectionist, and sometimes a nervous wreck. In those ways I was just like Joan. Then there's her best friend, Toni. Toni feeds the "Champagne-Dreamer" in me. Toni prides herself on living a life of fabulousness and lavishness at all costs. Plus, she is such a diva. Maya mirrors the writer in me and the "Aw Hell Nah" attitude I tend to catch if I'm not too careful about my surroundings. And Lynn, poor, lost Lynn. I feel like Lynn some days, especially with all the majors I've chosen during my time in college. Though she's quirky and such a moocher, I still love her spirit and presence. I fell in love with each of these girls, and William as well, over the course of the seasons.

As a way to show my love and appreciation for the show, I decided to put a series of posts together for you guys.  Following this post, on each Tuesday in March, I will be sharing a post highlighting things I have learned from each of the fabulous four Girlfriends.  Stay tuned for each of them!

Were you a fan of Girlfriends?  Who was your favorite?

NOTE: You can now check out the entire series by clicking each of the following links:

What I Learned from Joan Clayton

What I Learned from Maya Wilkes

What I Learned from Toni Childs

What I Learned from Lynn Searcy

Simple Saint or Brazen Bi-otch? Finding a Balance.

by Guest Blogger, Amber

A few months ago, Miss Dre wrote a pretty spot on article regarding How to Be a Mean Girl. Let's face it... every now and then, we all feel the need to take off the white gloves and let our claws out. What I really liked about her article is that she put the personal spin on it, and explains,

"I never turn anyone away because I like to make the lives of those closest to me a little easier."

I think this is something we can all relate to, but where do you draw the line? Can we turn down the obligatory feelings to help friends and family every now and then and still walk away guilt-free?

Girls Night in With Kimberly

Planning a fun night in with your girlfriends and have no clue where to start? Below Kimberly has creative ideas that will make for epic celebrations of friendship and good times.

How to Be a Mean Girl

Some days I feel like being a total mean girl.  I know it's rude to say, but I get tired of being the nice one, the responsible one, the kindhearted one, or the one folks can always depend on.  Lately I've been feeling really unappreciated and I'm fed up!

My phone rings so much with people asking for advice or asking for favors.  I never turn anyone away because I try to make the lives of those closest to me a little easier.  If all I have to do is talk someone through a tough situation or commit to doing a few hours of service for someone I'm all in.  I do this for people I LOVE because isn't that what you're supposed to do for those you care for?

Yeah right, I say.  It's all well and nice to have someone you can always depend on, but today I'm wondering who do I have to depend on?  Who can I call when I am frustrated and need a reality check or moment of clarity from someone I feel knows me well?  No one.  Everyone else is too busy with life to return my phone calls and text messages.  Ain't that a trip?

So I've declared today Mean Girl Day.  I'm not listening to anyone's problems, I'm not helping anyone do shit, and I am not gonna be bothered!  That means no more going out of my way to check on my so-called friends who never call to check on me or my family or doing nice things to show them all how much I care.  While some people think it's ok to occasionally say "thanks for always being there" or "I'm glad to you're a part of my life" I'd like to convey those thoughts with actions.  You can tell verbally share a sentiment with someone all the time but until you begin to prove it with actions, it doesn't mean anything! Starting today, I'm putting all of my energy into myself and my children because if anyone needs it, we do.  I just can't deal.  You would think that I would learn how to say no every now and again so I wouldn't get burned out so fast, but I still haven't learned!  

Wow I'm feeling mean already! Sorry for the rant, but every now and again I believe it's necessary.  It just wouldn't be real if we didn't share the good, the bad, and the ugly things about ourselves.

Does anyone feel where I'm coming from?  Someone out there please tell me I'm not going crazy.